You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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