Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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