just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
