Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have aggressive nipples.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
