So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
