she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
