I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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