Michael Bay diarrhea
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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