In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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