I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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