dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
