I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
