hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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