Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i now understand why vodka
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
