It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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