Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?