Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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