I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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