Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
