I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
