im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
