i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
