Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
