So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
