We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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