Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
