Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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