Just fell off a train. Bad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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