My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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