The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
