I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
