I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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