I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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