i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
