I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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