please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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