the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
