last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
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dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the puke drawer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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