I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
