i permit you to call me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
