On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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