Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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