update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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