Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
