Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Found the puke drawer
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
