he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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