I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
