How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
