btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
