we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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