When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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