i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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