It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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